I don’t think I am capable of loving anyone who is out of reach. Either that or I am incredibly lucky. I watch other people, who I love, struggle in this unknown way. The idea that I would love someone, and that someone would say no, that they felt differently, is a foreign concept to me. I wonder if this is chance. I am not timid. When I love, it is immediate and lasting, I have never fallen out of love, love has only ever changed for me. I have been called man-eater, I have been called home-wrecker, but who has a home at twenty? What human being can be swallowed whole and stomached?
I am shallow, yet expansive, like a salt flat. I am everything face value, but I am so much, I think sometimes I starve people and they die on me. I am everyone’s love at first sight, but I am not a sustainable source of love. I try to convince myself that there is some flaw in me. Maybe the reason I am never rejected is because I subconsciously save myself from pain by recognizing love in the other, before feeling it in myself. Maybe this means that I have never really felt, and that my life is a sham.
I fear vanity in myself because I am arrogant, and perhaps I am worried someone will confuse the two. If something good happens to me, I want it to be the result of a flaw, a happy circumstance or a secret failing if viewed from a different angle. I want to be able to point to a negative, so that nobody sees how positively I view myself, even in revealing this, the hope is that I am viewed in a lesser light. Do I think myself so above others that I want them to think they are better than me,
because I think they need it. I don’t need it, and secretly they will be wrong, so I can feel like I am doing good.
I never sacrifice anything. If I want to do it, I will excel at it. If I want to be in love, I will be in love and loved for my loving. I guess the only question I am really asking is, am I a good person, or a bad person?