I do not like passive people, they make me uncomfortable because passive people are not impervious to pain. Passive people want the same things from life as everyone else, and when they don’t receive what they need, it hurts them. Whether it’s socially imposed or not, whether it’s how you were brought up or not, you need to be your own advocate.
I have known too many people who refuse to do this, and you make yourselves very hard to love. You’re not “special” if you are hard to love, it’s not “more worth it” if it was a struggle to love you. Falling in love is a chemical moment that we have very little control over aside from where we choose to physically spend our time. People who love you don’t do so because you are worth it, you are worth it because they love you and this is not the same thing.
When you say, “I’m fine” and meekly look away, over invisible moors, hoping to someday be understood, you are infuriating. When you’re “ok with it” except in your eyes, and your tone, and your gray little outfit, you set people on fire. This is not funny, this is not a reciprocation of love; this is selfishness borne out of self-esteem issues.
I love you, and I know you aren’t fine, and I know you want me to know that and press you until you cry. Can you not see that this is a controlling behavior that forces people in your life who care about you to carry the burden of your emotional immaturity? If you require people to wring you out emotionally like a wet towel, you’re being an ass. How much love have you pushed out of your life already?
It’s like you think that you’re better than those people, they don’t “get” you. Other people’s time is important, other people’s emotions matter too. In fact, other people care so much about their own emotions, that when they feel them, THEY SAY SO!
They come to you to build themselves back up knowing they’ve broken something, not to be carefully, painstakingly drawn out of delicate flowers. It is not as hard as people make it out to be to avoid being this way. It requires very little effort, but effort nonetheless. If you know you’re this way, put in the effort, if you’ve put in effort before only to fail, or be hurt, ask the people who love you for help. Ask directly, make eye contact. To the people who love you, you will remain perfect whatever you say, if you do not trust them enough to try, stop wasting their time, if you do not trust yourself enough to try, you’re not quite ready to be in a relationship.
All you end up doing, by being fine not fine all the time, is resenting the people who care about you for missing the odd hint dropped here and there, ostracizing yourself from society by feeling misunderstood, and feeding your reasons for being the way you’ve always been because after all, “you can only ever really depend on yourself.”