Outside Myself

This skinny, naked version of myself, Barbie smooth and gender-less is dying terribly slowly. I am uncomfortable in its presence, but it begs me, “don’t leave me” and because it is dying, and in pain, even though I am sick of looking at her, I stay and wait. She gets worse, I help her walk into the bathroom adjacent to her hospital bed and she turns and looks at me, “I am going to fall now” she falls too weak to break her trajectory and I stand there. I could have caught her, but I let her hit the tiles with a heavy slap and crunching. I was afraid if I tried to stop the fall she would try to kill me or something.


I think she is dead now, but no she is still breathing on the floor. She cannot stand up again and she is getting worse. She pulls out a scalpel and says, “I want you to stay with me, if I cut a piece from my skull I will live for a few more minutes, and I can be with you.” I tell her no, I’m disgusted and terrified, I just want her to die and stop putting herself through torture just to look at me, I want to step on her head. She sticks the knife into her head and I stand up. “Don’t leave me I’m going to die” she says and I am running out of the bathroom. I hear her scream, “don’t let me die alone!” as I run down the hallway. The bathroom door shuts and the lights go out with no movement to keep them glowing.

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