TLDR

Coming back from the bottom of this post, it’s really long, more like a diary entry for myself than something that other people might find interesting, so maybe you don’t want to read this one, and I might do something with it later. If you do wish to read it, be warned that it is long, very long.

One of my favorite widgets for dream blogging is the tag cloud. It highlights the tags that I am using most frequently at the time and has unexpectedly provided me with more insight into my dreaming ego by allowing me easy access to links between dreams at the touch of a button.

tag-cloud

As an experimental, informal blog post, I separated strings of my most often used tags into six lines, and I, for fun, am going to attempt to create something out of each line, be it a poem, a story, or a thought, that involves every tag. Lets see what comes of this…

Line I: anger, anxiety, baby, blue, boat, boy, 

A memory from college: feeling the debilitating fear that I might lose someone so very important to me over a baby blue hat made on a boat.

bbyk005-0001_blue_1_2

Wow actually, that was uncannily close to home. This segment immediately brought such a specific memory that I felt inclined to split the original line into two sections.

Line I part B: brother, calm childhood, coffee, confusion, crash

This segment reminds me of my journey from cradle to cubicle. My younger brother was always the calm one when we were young, while I was the fretful instigator of shouting matches with my father, he was forever content to serenely remove from the chaos. I was always painfully socially awkward and inflammatory, careening through my youth until I was finally diagnosed with anxiety after one panic attack too many.

In the middle of writing the above segment:

 I just remembered something! I had recently bought my first car and was driving my younger brother to get coffee, when I took a turn a bit too sharply and crashed into my neighbor’s fence at a whopping 5 mph. He of course, got out of the car unruffled and walked the final block to our house, leaving me to deal with the grouchiest man in the neighborhood, (the first thing he said was: “have you been drinking?!” It was 10 am)

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Line II: dance, dark, death, depression, dreaming, dress, driving, drugs, eating, escape, ex-boyfriend

On Halloween night a couple of years ago, I was out at a local club with my best friend . My ex-boyfriend happened to show up as well, which was terrible as he came with a bunch of our mutual friends and they were seemingly having more fun than I was. At least I looked absolutely ravishing in my brown dress.

It was right after the summer where my friend and I had been so anxious over school/ home-life that we dropped a ton of weight, so we were feeling “hotter” than usual. I was a tree by the way, that’s why my dress was brown, (and it was really form-fitting and floor-length with a deep V in the back achieving a perfect proportion of sexy/ classy).

Our groups came together and we exchanged pleasantries. He was dressed as a “raver” and his group was planning to do molly that night. I watched him take a hit off his hand, and I don’t know what came over me. I guess I was so depressed by the cliché of it all, how he must be thinking, yeah, I’m so cool, I just snapped. I hit him directly across the face. His friends and my friends immediately separated us, but so much damage had already been done to both of our evenings, that I left immediately just to get away from everything that night represented to me. I believe that it was in that moment it truly sunk in that we were over, that though I still loved him, and it was killing me, it was time to move on.

j-r-williams-batman-slap-robin

Line III: father, fear, flying, forest, friend, frustration,

Did you ever run away as a child? I ran away so frequently that I was a shoe-in for the track team starting in middle-school. My father happened to own his own bit of wilderness. Our house stood atop a tree covered foothill and my backyard was literally a forest. My father also owned a quick temper, and to escape a row in progress I often found myself running off into the woods. I played daily in my own fantasy realm, to relieve my own tension until my father had cooled into a more manageable, igneous state.

Forestry Commission Fairy Tales campaign

Again two specific memories came to mind, so these were a single line that I decided to split in half.

Line III part B: grandfather, grass, green, happiness, horse, house,

My grandfather’s brother married my grandmother’s sister creating on my mother’s side of the family, an extremely tight-knit extended family. We always spent summers together in Montana on my Great Uncle Paul’s ranch.

There were always so many of us:

my mother, her brother, her brother’s wife, their two children, my own grandparents, my great-uncle and aunt, my once removed uncle Rex and his wife, my once removed uncle Nolan and his, their two boys, my once removed aunt Lindsay and her two children, my brother, me and of course Decker Reno and Tuffy, (the dogs).

I avoided the social volley by fastening myself to whatever my favorite grandfather happened to be up to, or by playing alone exploring the ranch, riding off on B.J. (an unfortunately named horse) around the property, essentially doing kid stuff that didn’t involve passing through the cacophony of relatives that seemed to travel in large packs.

childs-drawing

Line IV: kitten, love, man, marriage, mask, materialism, mother, murder, 

My evil stepmother, (seriously evil, think Maleficent) murdered my cat. She closed him in the garage door, and after being mushed, he “ran away” and it was “not her fault” that he died. I don’t believe she killed my Oreo to be horrible, but she was all kinds of awful to us after she married my dad. She appeared to him to do no wrong then cursed at and bullied first me, (I left the house) and then my little brother when his back was turned. He finally caught her at it, and they’re divorced at this point, but I could write a novel about the cruelness of this woman.

Line V: night, ocean, orange, pain, pink, poetry, puppy, purple, reading, red, run, safe, sleep, snow, sunny

orange-purple-red:   Sunset

sunny-night:   24 hrs.

ocean-snow:   Pacific North West

poetry-reading: My daily routine/ hobbies

pain-run-safe-sleep:   (Chain of events) something painful, fleeing from it, getting home safely, falling asleep

puppy: a dog is somehow involved

Something painful? The most painful thing I’ve experienced was rolling my ankle for the first time one evening while jumping over a friend at a party in college at Western Washington University. I was emulating a gazelle in an attempt to get away from being stuck between one of my friends and the guy that I liked, who were trying to make out. There was an immense popping noise and every one in the room stopped what they were doing to turn and look at me where I’d landed. I stood up quickly and smiled, saying I was fine and locking myself in another room.

It wasn’t until the next day, when I woke, up, tried to walk into the hallway, and passed out on the ground, that I truly felt the pain of what I had done. My foot looked like I’d had a tennis ball surgically implanted on one side, and I couldn’t move at all without crying from the pain. My neighbors took care of me all day, one lent me a neat sci-fi  book to read called Jack the Bodiless, which remains a favorite of mine.

I do not know how a dog is involved in the above story, perhaps a reference to my friend behaving like a B**** because she TOTALLY knew I was into that guy…

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Line VI: tea, theft, warm, water, white, winter, woman, yellow, zoo

This doesn’t all connect, but reading these tag words reminded me of one winter day when we all played clue in front of a wood burning fire. It was the first time the fire had been lit since they had moved in and at first we smoked up the entire house, unable to get the flue open. I remember feeling most content, with warm cider and really excellent people.

Burning-Fireplace-Knit-Socks-on-Feet-in-front

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